Coping With Your Loss

It's been six months, or ten months, even a year since your amputation. Time has gone by and the world around you has continued to go on. How could that be? How could things stay the same when you've changed so much? You stare at the part of you that's missing, or you can't bare to see what it looks like and once again, you cry. You don't feel 'whole'. You miss what you lost, as though it were someone close to you.

The loss of a part of your body is the same kind of grief as if you'd lost a parent, a child or sibling. And it's grief that you have to deal with. You may not recognize it, you may not know it's there. It sneaks up on you, without warning, without any indication you've even thought about it. But it's there, it's real, and you will have to face it sooner or later.

You need to grieve, to get past the emotional roller coaster your heart and mind are going through.  It may take 6 months, 10 months, even a year to accept and to grieve. There is no time table for grief. But in time, and most likely when you least expect it, your heart will tell you when the time is right to move on. Or it may come as a surprise to you when you realize you woke up that morning and you were no longer angry at the world around you. But lets face it, it's a hard cycle to deal with. The changes in your life, in your future, in your own heart will be difficult, but at the end of the cycle is recovery and peace of mind. I know, I've been there.

My first emotion was denial. I had 12 days before my amputation to accept the inevitable. But I didn't. Even after surgery, I had my husband lift the sheet of my hospital bed to see if my leg was gone. His tears and the pain on his face told me what I already knew.

My heart ached. I wanted to be left alone. I didn't need anyone, I didn't need pity or support, I didn't need anyone to help me get through the hardest thing I would ever face in my life. I could do it by myself.

Behind closed doors I cried. I felt sorry for myself, I felt angry. The anger inside of me welled up like a volcano ready to erupt. Why did this happen to me? Why? Why? It was the one question I could never answer. Even today, I still don't know.

With a second admission to the hospital just 3 weeks after coming home with an infected stump, my denial and anger only grew. I didn't want to see the beauty in the winter snow around me or the love and support my husband and son gave me day in and day out. I was angry!! It was justified anger!! I had a reason to be angry! I had a reason for not wanting anyone around me! I was the sole member of my own pity party and no one else was invited.

When I returned home again from the first revision of my stump, my world evolved around 10:00 in the morning and 6:00 in the evening. The infection left my stump in need of twice daily whirlpools that were so painful I cried though them the first week and cried even more because I knew I had to go through the whirlpools for 2 more months. I promised God if he got me through just one more day of whirlpools I would be good. I would have made a promise to the devil himself if it would have stopped the pain I was in. I wanted to sleep. During sleep I didn't have to face anyone, especially myself. When I wasn't in the middle of a whirlpool, my mind kept wandering to the future. Where was I in this big picture they call life? I was an amputee, what could I offer the world?

It took time, but I finally found myself, my life as it came to be. I realized that the world will change around me, but I can change with it.

Acceptance came slowly, very slowly. With each new accomplishment I made, I found a thread of hope to hang onto. My first thread of hope came when, after only 3 weeks of whirlpools, my doctor was ready to close my stump. You can only imagine my shock at this development! The whirlpools were suppose to take 2 months! But he told me we had accomplished cleaning my stump out in 3 weeks, not 2 months. He looked at my shocked face with a grin and said, 'You did good". Wow!

My second thread was getting my first prosthesis. My next thread was after sitting in a wheelchair for 5 months, I took my first step. But each thread can come unraveled at times. Seven months after my amputation I had to have my last revision. I cried for an hour because the last thing I wanted to do was go into the hospital. Even with that small unravelling, my threads became stronger. My stump finally healed closed, and with my prosthesis I had graduated from a walker, to a quad cane to a straight cane. Each day was an adventure in firsts and an abundance of fears that I finally came to terms with. My reward for not giving up on myself was finally walking without the assistance of a cane.

We learn as we go along. We know our own strengths, what our own bodies can withstand and what our mind will accept. We carry the fear of falling as a constant companion. My prosthetist told me once, "It's not 'if' you fall, it's 'when' you fall". That scared me silly!! But he was right. The night I got home from the hospital after my amputation, I fell, right onto my newly amputated stump. I swore that would be the last time. And I held that record for two and half years before I had my next fall. Thankfully, I had worked out my fears and when I did fall, I didn't hurt myself. I ended up with a bruise on my back, along with my slightly bruised pride.

So, with 13 years under my belt being a LadyAmp, I've learned there is life after amputation. There is still a world to explore, family to love and the ability to know I've finally accepted my loss. I've became 'whole' again.

I've been reluctant to mention another resource that's helped me accept my life and go on to the next phase. Some people don't want it told and they're turned off by it. But I have to say it. I know in my heart that I wouldn't be where I am now without the faith I've placed in God. I thank Him everyday for keeping me here in this world. For the loving support from my husband, son and family. Without my faith I think I would still be sitting in a wheelchair. But He gave me the strength, the love and guidance to move forward.

Always remember. it takes time, but you'll get there. Believe in yourself, and you can accomplish anything!