Life changes everyday for all of us and for most it's a normal part of our destiny. But there are times when we're faced with such a drastic change, it's an obstacle we sometimes don't think we can face.
In December, 1999 I was faced with such an obstacle. The loss of my left leg. I have to admit, I never really thought it would happen. As I lay in my hospital bed, between moments of lucidity and excruciating pain, I carried in the back of mind the hope that modern medicine would somehow save me from the terror of no longer being independent.
But learning to accept this new way of life was a struggle. Learning to deal with day-to-day activities that I had taken for granted was a crushing blow to my ego. While I had days where I cried behind closed doors and other days when I didn't care if I ever got better, the road ahead of me was paved in acceptance and understanding that I couldn't see.
The healing for a woman amputee is TIME. It's the only thing we have that we can control. It's in time we realize that we can either accept or reject this new way of life. It's in time that we finally realize who we are isn't going to change. It's in time that we finally accept our disability and what we have to do to make our lives worthwhile. It's in this time we finally acknowledge that there is life after amputation.
As a new amputee, we do things differently than we did before. I had the hardest time accepting the fact that I couldn't take a shower like I use to. Or get up in the middle of the night and head for the bathroom. Or walk around a flea market for any length of time without discomfort from my leg. The list is endless of the things we amputees use to take for granted. But I finally remembered that learning how to do something a different way, isn't failure, it's progress.
Life itself is an accomplishment when we're faced with an amputation. For so many amputees, the amputation is the last resort before losing more than just a leg or arm. My surgeon told me once he had only two surgeries that he hated to do, one was a Mastectomy and the other amputation. I asked him 'why'? He told me when those surgeries are decided upon, it means it's the only solution before a patient is faced with dying. To say the least, it shook me to the core, but it also made me realize, there are things we can't control and if amputation is the solution to a bigger problem, then I owed it to life and to myself to make the best of the opportunity I was given.
So many things we took for granted before our amputation is a triumph for us when we can do them again. Small things like walking, taking that first step with a new prosthesis when we haven't been able to walk in months, because a wheelchair is our only mode of transportation, is an accomplishment. With each new day, we find we can do something better than the day before.
Creating new ways to do things is what an amputee faces everyday. Every new obstacle only makes us a little stronger in our conviction that there really is life after amputation. What I hadn't planned on accomplishing was becoming an advocate for women amputees. Being an avid computer nut, I had created several websites for myself and immersed myself in the development of those. My days were filled with working at my computer which I could do from the safety of my wheelchair.
Even so, it took me months before I could even look on the Internet for amputee sites for women. The thought of reading about what I had just gone through scared me more than I would admit. But it didn't stop my husband from looking, which I found was a destined move on his part. He would search the Internet for information while I slept, knowing I couldn't face that part of my rehabilitation.
One morning as I was hobbling my way down the hallway on one leg and my walker to my wheelchair, I heard him curse at his computer screen. Wondering if his computer had locked up, I made my way to him to see what his computer had done to make him so angry.
"Nothing!" he bellowed at me. "Not a thing!" I pulled my wheelchair as close to his desk as I could. "What?" I asked. He ranted on about how there was nothing on the Internet about women amputees. He searched every site available and found nothing specific. In time, I calmed him down and told him I'd do a search and see if I could find something. Of course, I wasn't keen on the idea, my fears were still with me, but for my husband I would have done anything to relieve his frustration. He’d been through so much for me, I couldn't deny him this one thing.
But I found out that morning, he was right. There wasn't anything specific on the Internet for women amputees. There were a few sites for women celebrities, but they or other sites didn't reach the emotional side of being a woman amputee. I came away from the Internet discouraged. Where could a woman amputee find information? I knew what I had gone through, the emotional roller coaster of guilt, anger and fear. I knew in my heart that a woman shouldn't have to go through the ride of amputation without some kind of support. Not only the support she received from her family, her friends and her spouse, but from another woman amputee.
It took time, a while for the idea to form in my mind. I created websites. Maybe I could create a website for women amputees? Could I do it? Could I bare my soul to the Internet? Could I actually be a help to those women who needed to know what to expect?
Those questions and a hundred more mulled around in my mind for a long time before I finally sat down and began the creation of LadyAmp.
I had began keeping a Journal after I had gotten home from the hospital. In it I had written every sorrow, every lost dream, every pain my body had gone through. I made the decision to put this Journal on LadyAmp so others could see that the roller coaster ride they were on, they weren't alone.
While creating LadyAmp, I cried mountains of tears just remembering the ordeal, my husband cried knowing how painful the memories were. But in the long run, LadyAmp was worth it. I uploaded to the Internet on August 24, 2001 and found out within a week just how glad I was that I had. Women from everywhere were signing my Guestbook and sending E-mails to me thanking me for LadyAmp. I was asked questions about things I had gone through and I was more than happy to reply with my own experiences. Even men who had fathers who were going through an amputation asked questions. I realized I had reached those that hadn't had a place to go before.
As for me, LadyAmp has become a source of healing. Knowing I can be independent again, knowing I'm helping someone to adjust to their new way of life makes a difference in my life.
I want women amputees to know, that just because they're an amputee, it doesn't take away from the fact that they are still women. As I always say, A rose without one petal is still a rose.
June DeLong
FOOTNOTE: This letter was originally written in April/2000 as an article for Aurora Magazine. It's been 12 years since my amputation, and myself and LadyAmp are still here. I can gladly make the claim I've found some wonderful other LadyAmp's who have brought support, amazing tenacity and spirit to LadyAmp. They are very special ladies and I'm blessed to call them friends. I want to thank Brenda, Higgy, Lisa, Irene, Nancy, Karen, Bailey:-) and Crosby:-) for their support to this LadyAmp.
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